Fear

“Fear” - Sarah McLachlan (Fumbling Towards Ecstasy - 1994)

There was nothing left to lose. It was gone already. Despite the differences, we were really both starting over again. An orphan and a newborn. Left to their own devices.

It was fine at first. So many things to try. So many virgin experiences. Neither of us having anything to give but ourselves. Maybe that’s when the trouble started. It was bound to happen. Could have been that pact of eternal friendship - you know with the camping knife and the cutting of fingers and everything. Could have been that day we both leaned over the balcony and screamed “bring it on” to a whole new world of wonder.
We weren’t ready. We needed more time. More healing for the buried wounds. We definitely weren’t prepared for what our challenge would bring.

It was a two box night. Two boxes of Raisin Nut Crunch. We went through that stuff like water. Two big bowls. Two big spoons. Standing up in the kitchen. Our meals were liberating. They always were. The newborn put on a pot of hazelnut coffee. Our nights were our days. Then we got into some big argument about the responsibility of artists. The newborn felt one should be willing to die for their work. I just couldn’t see it. I might have said “fuck you”. It was always an expression of love. Then I left. There were things I needed to do. There always were. Barnes and Noble down the street. Had to check out their table of new over-sized fiction. We usually did this together, but I could tell he really didn’t want me around right now. We’d talk later. Things would be fine. They always were.

I came back. Couldn’t have been more than 2 hours later. Things felt different somehow. Even before I put my key in the door, I could smell her. A girl. The temptation was thick in the air. Her and the newborn were in the chair. Well, the newborn was. She was sitting at his feet. Separated by an inch. Watching some bad movie. Donnie Brasco I think. Some blonde lawyer I think. Some intoxicating moments I think. And the newborn.
There was a quick introduction and I went to my room. An hour later she was gone. But it was like a tornado had come through the apartment. Things were unsettled. Left undone by this moment of…

“What was that? Static electricity or something? I could hardly breath.”

The newborn just stared at me for a second. “I don’t really know. But I want it to happen again.”

For the first time since the beginning, I was afraid.

Maybe we got our wish. Maybe we had to grow-up. Whatever it was, it was never as easy after that. Our mutual depressions became mutual obsessions. And our weeks began to lose days. A spirit had come in and changed our lives forever. But things would be fine. They always were.

Things are fine today. But it’s not like before. When I think back on the past. I remember that night we stood on the balcony. Leaning over our world. At the height of everything. Sometimes I believe there is nothing I would have loved better than to fall. The newborn and the orphan. Taking flight. Taking it all on. Even girls.

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