Honestly

“Honestly” - Zwan (Mary Star of the Sea - 2003)

There’s no place that I’d rather be without you.

She looks at me with those eyes and lies again. I believe and I feel loved.
Some call it infection. I correct them and say perfection. It’s the same thing. That thing that gets inside. That thing that has wound and wounded my heart simultaneously. There’s something great about the worse that life can bring. That’s her.
I think of her as mine though I know it’s not permissible.

There’s no place that I’d rather be without you.

When she’s gone I loathe myself. But she never goes and I hate myself anyways. She makes me feel so full of empty. The love she talks about that fleets. The grace she promises that cheats. The cancer from her womb that eats. It’s too dark to discard this life with her.

There’s no place that I’d rather be without you.

I wonder if her heart is as long as mine. If I will gladly take the pain she brings. The horror of her grotesque embrace is so blindingly beautiful, it’s hard not to oblige her. Not to lean into her empty.

There’s no place that I’d rather be without you.

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