Never Knew

“Never Knew” - The Rocket Summer (Hello Good Friend - 2005)

I just ran into a few someones today. You were among them.

Things I thought I had all figured out turned out not to be true. The light had turned from yellow to blue.

I thought you’d be older.
I thought you’d be fatter.
I thought you’d still have that hole in your heart.

Then I realized these are not my thoughts at all, but my wishes. For you. After all this time. Another gift.
The truth is I never knew you.

As much as I longed to be the only one in your life. To wear your tattoo. To make you proud. You just smiled at the time and said “that’s okay”, “please” and “thank you” and “go away”.
I was there until I was gone and then I was there some more.

Hello good friend was not enough. The time, the grace just didn’t matter. And now I know the wind beneath your wings is just a silly song. A fiction. A load of shit. All I see is void.

And you…

You’re younger.
You’re more beautiful.
And that hole in your heart was just a myth.
Created by me.

I just never knew.

http://www.therocketsummer.com/fs.html

Who Knows Where the Time Goes

“Who Knows Where the Time Goes” - Nina Simone ( Black Gold - 1970)

I am more aware of it now than I have ever been before.

More aware than that moment left without a babysitter for the first time.
More aware than that moment in the bottom of her parent’s closet with my first girlfriend.
More aware than that moment at my first party - “of age” with a drink in my hand.
More aware than that moment when one became two.
More aware than that moment when two became three.
More aware than that moment when three became one again.

Time. The great dictator.
Now, at 37, I wonder where it went.
I find myself reflecting on the past. Always the past. Memories where things weren’t really as great as my mind has made them out to be. As my future slides away in reminiscing. Black and white photos turning yellow.

When she walks into the room, I see myself as I used to be. Without boundaries. Without the constraints of time. Without the worry of my mind. Without the graying of my spine. Standing my ground. No thoughts of leaving. Ready to shake down a room full of brawlers just so I can be smack dab in the middle of that moment with no distractions. No fear. For it’s fear that binds me now.

Is it really because of fear? An unwillingness to move with the time that controls my life? Yet, a flowered skirt - a tan shoulder - the twirl of pomegranate hair takes that all away in an instant.
I want to tell her about the power. The power she holds over me. Not really over me, but within me. But I don’t. I just let her work her magic. I think ignorance is a necessary ingredient for the success of her magic. No use messing with a good thing. As long as it’s still working.

She dresses for work and I watch the same group of birds fly away. The ones with the spots. Just like they do every morning. I wonder where they go when they leave. And why they leave. Only to return the next day. They keep my mind occupied as I wait for her arrival. A homecoming. I pray it will be soon. I pray she will be whole. I pray things will be like they used to be. I pray her and me will soon be three before it is too late.

http://www.ninasimone.com/